I wish I could sort out how I feel about Annie. Or about relationships at all. Because right now, the entire idea of ever being in a relationship is terrible and horrifying and scary, and nothing seems as horrible as the prospect of getting into one that I'm not really sure I want *again*. Even if, for once, it wouldn't be about poor self esteem and jumping on the first boat that sailed by, but about the actual person, I don't want to try to force myself to fall for someone.
On the other hand, I'm not sure what it is to organically fall for somebody anymore. Even crushes have felt forced sometimes. God, the last time I can say for sure I feel for somebody without it being even a little forced for sure was Aurelia, and that was in my fucking sophomore year. And even then, there was an air of "maybe I should have a crush on you" that precipitated it. And I just don't understand romance at all anymore. I'm not sure what I want at all, and it's really beginning to scare me.
Physical affection is seeming really hard to deal with to me right now, because I know that if I go for it, I might be able to just pretend that it means emotional attraction. But if I don't ever make any more at all, I'll never know if there's any kind of organic chemistry or not, and that just leads to everything being firmly platonic-feeling even when that is not at all what the goal was. And just, I spent so much time wondering whether or not I had any feelings for Annie without ever feeling a real urge to act on it, that now I'm just in this place of "things are really good as they are, why would I want to change them," and can't figure out how or if to move forward.
And I know that so many of my issues are residual things from Zach, and that really sucks, because I thought I was gonna get out of that clean. I'm so matter-of-fact about shitty emotional situations, I thought that would mean I'd just deal with this the way I've dealt with so much else, but apparently I'm not immune from side-effects of bad break-ups. And I feel like I'm accidentally diminished everything I had with him sometimes, because even though I kind of pushed myself into it and the actual relationship was super unhealthy and bad for us both, I did genuinely care about him a lot. But I just. I'm so, so fucking tired of not trusting my own emotions or understanding what they mean.
And I don't want to hurt Annie with my stupidity and inability to actually cope with myself. I feel like the reason we end up having awkward pauses is because there are things that aren't getting said by either or both of us, and I just feel like shit. I don't want to accidentally lead her on, but I'm not sure if I'm actually ready or okay to be in a relationship right now. Yet the thought of losing this opportunity or this relationship hurts, and I'm not sure if that's me worrying it'll fuck up our friendship somehow, or if it's genuinely about me wanting to be with her.
Stupid fucking emotions. I wanted the date today to clarify things, but we ended up just hanging out like we always have because neither of us understand what you're actually supposed to do on a date to make it a date-- or, what I do understand about physical affection currently makes me feel panicky and fake and shitty. I always felt like I was quoting from a movie or something with Zach when we talked, and it was awkward and awful in ways I never really acknowledged, and I just don't want to ever fucking do it again. But he was my only "real" relationship, and that means I don't know how to do anything with Annie without it making me think of that, and I just. Hate. It. And I want to be affectionate, but I don't know where her boundaries are or where my real boundaries are, and I want to respect both of them, and I keep coming up against this stupid fucking wall. And I'm so freaking awkward all the time around her, and I don't know how to stop and I hate it so much. I mean, sometimes it's the kind of awkward and dorky that is really me and comfortable, and other times it feels like trying to fill up conversation gaps or weird moments and I just make it worse.
Damn it. I wish I could really apologize to her for accidentally having all these issues right now. I'm finally becoming truly comfortable with myself, but now I don't know how to be comfortable with somebody else at all. I don't actually like holding hands or being in somebody else's space all the time. I feel like I'm losing myself, I feel obligated to keep holding on, and I just don't always feel like myself. I like small, intense bursts of affection. I like touching thighs and arms and leaning on people on trains, but when I'm walking the only time I really touch other people is for short periods of time or accidentally.
I'm really, really, horribly scared of relationships and like and love and just everything. And I think this is the first time I've really let it sink in just how deeply this is running right now. I feel kind of like crying, because knowing it isn't making it better, and I don't know what to do at all. And she hasn't ever had a relationship before, so she isn't making the first moves, which I really need right now if anything is going to happen, I think. And I need time to process every stupid step we do or don't take, and if it's not right, and need to be able to get out right away.
I wish I didn't need so much.